


Who Knew the Skeleton War and Cookies are Ultimate Wingmen?

by oopsthisisqueertoo



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Drabble, Lil fluffy, M/M, and pining for cookies, bonding moment, gender neutral pronouns for pidge, generous amount of profanity, just a mess really, lance doesn't know keith's gay, one whole hand holding, one whole kiss, references to season 7, skeleton war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 02:32:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16188263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oopsthisisqueertoo/pseuds/oopsthisisqueertoo
Summary: Keith doesn't know what the skeleton war is. Lance is appalled and takes it upon himself to fix this character flaw.I was spamming a friend with skeleton war memes and this happened. For Old Danni, who neither wanted this and will never be allowed to forget it.





	Who Knew the Skeleton War and Cookies are Ultimate Wingmen?

**Author's Note:**

> I swear if you read this in Jeremy Shada and Steven Yeun's voice, it makes it so much better.

“What the fuck, Keith?” Lance shouts at the top of his lungs.

“I don’t know what the stupid skeleton war is!” Keith annoyedly huffs back.

“How do you _not know_ about the skeleton war? Did you live under a rock? Do you not know what the internet is? Do you even know what Tumblr is?”

“I lived in foster homes, then the garrison where I focused on being a pilot, and then I lived out the in the middle of nowhere! I didn’t have time to look at things like skeletons!”

“Uh, no, no, no. _Skeleton war_. And there’s always time for meaningless internet browsing. It’s like a physiological need!”

“Whatever.”

“No! Not whatever! It’s like a rite of passage, man!”

“That’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not! You need to know. You need to be _educated_.”

“We’re in space, moron. It’s not like we have access to Earth’s Wi-Fi and even if we did, I don’t care about your stupid bone war.”

“SKELETON WAR! This is worse than when you couldn’t do the Voltron cheer! Ugh!” Lance grabs his face and groans loudly.

“Lance!”

“WHAT?”

“Just shut it! I’m trying to relax.”

“PIDGE!” Lance screams before walking out of the room. He marches straight to the Pidgeon’s room and enters without knocking.

“Privacy Lance!” They shout from behind their computer but doesn’t move an inch.

“Pidge it’s an emergency!”

“Hunk not sharing his cookies with you again?”

“No! A bigger emergency than that!”

Pidge scoffs and rolls their eyes. “The Galra aren’t attacking, so I highly doubt that.”

“Keith doesn’t know what the skeleton war is.”

Pidge crinkles their brow. “He’s just messing with you. Everyone knows what the skeleton war is. Even Shiro knows.”

“Shiro had your ridiculously uncool and not-at-all handsome brother Matt to expose him to all the memes and stuff, though! Keith doesn’t know. He called it the _bone war_.”

“Pfft. Bone war.”

Lance places his hand solemnly over his heart. “I know, Pidge. I know. It’s a crime akin to treason.”

“Whatever you say, Lance.” Pidge diverts their attention back to their computer. “What does any of this have to do with me?”

“Pidge, Pidgy, Pigeon.” Lance coos and tries to sit down on their bed, but Pidge kicks him off. “Uh, rude, but I’ll forgive you.” He stands back up, dusts himself off, and leans against the wall trying to look cool. “It’s our solemn duty to educate those less fortunate than us.”

“Did Keith say he wanted to know what the skeleton war was?”

“Well, no-“

“Then drop it.”

“But Pidge! He’s missing out! He loves cryptid stuff! He’ll love the skeleton war!”

“They’re not exactly the same” Pidge trails off, unconvinced.

“Who knows Keith the best?”

“Shiro.”

“Okay, fair. Who here knows Keith the second best?”

“Krolia.”

Lance gives an indigent squawk. “How does she rank above me?”

“She’s his mother?”

“But they were just reunited and now she’s gone on another mission!”

Pidge gives Lance a flat look over their laptop.

“Family aside, who knows Keith best?”

“Hunk.”

“WHAT? How?”

Pidge shrugs. “Apparently they had a bonding moment.”

“We had a bonding moment first!”

“Oh, so you _do remember_ your bonding moment?” Pidge raises one eyebrow and smirks.

“No-. No. That’s just what Keith said.” Lance’s eyes trail over the ceiling.

“Uh, huh. Whatever you say.”

“All that aside, I need your help.”

“I’m not licensed in that field. I can give you a referral, though.”

“What? No! I need you to build a charger for my phone.”

“We’re in deep space, Lance. I don’t care how advanced Altean technology is, we’re not going to be able to pick up on Earth’s satellites.”

“I know that! I have memes saved on my phone. We charge it and then I can show Keith the skeleton war. End of story.”

“You mean _I_ have to expend _my_ time and energy to build you a charger. Then you’re going to _attempt_ to show Keith some memes, to which he’ll say they’re stupid. Then you’ll get upset and go cry to Hunk. Nope, not doing it Lance. Don’t let the creepy Altean space door chop you in half on the way out.”

Lance balls his fists and marches to the door. “HUNK!”

He finds Hunk in the kitchen. He’s baking more cookies, much to Lance’s delight.

“Oh! Are these chocolate chip?”

Hunk smacks Lance’s hand before he can steal a cookie.

“They are, but they’re not for you.”

“Buuut buddy! I need to emotional eat! Keith doesn’t know what the skeleton war is, and Pidge won’t build me a phone charger, so I can enlighten Keith!” Lance groans and collapses on the table.

“You do know-“

“Yes!” Lance huffs. “I’ve got them saved on my phone.”

“Tell you what, if you get me about a half-gallon of milk from Kaltenecker then I’ll give you cookies and build you a charger.”

“Hunk! You’re the best! I could kiss you!”

“Please don’t. I still have nightmare from the last time you kissed me on the lips when you had that weird alien lip balm on.” Hunk visibly shudders.

“Hey! I taste much better naturally! You’d love kissing me if it weren’t for that!”

“I still need time to recover from that.” Hunk shudders again. His face is starting to go a bit pale.

“On that note, I’m gonna go milk Kaltenecker. How long is it going to take for the charger?”

“Ohh, I dunno. Maybe fifteen minutes?”

“Great! Be back in a jiffy!”

Kaltenecker is the Best Girl™ for Lance and readily gives him the needed supply without fuss, only moo’s.

He returns to the kitchen and proudly sets the milk on the counter with a resounding ka-thunk.

“Thanks buddy!” Hunk cheers and sets the milk in the weird Altean refrigerator. “Charger’s right there with cookies for you and your beloved.”

“He’s not my beloved!” Lance, turning apple red squawks.

“Maybe not, but perhaps that can change with you two huddling over a teensy phone screen bonding over skeletons. Or something.”

“ _Huuuunk_!”

“What’s that?” Hunk puts a hand to his ear dramatically. “Pidge, you need cookies stat? Sorry, Lance. Our resident bird is in need of me. I can’t let them starve to death. They’re so small and so full of rage. I’d hate for them to join the skeleton war.” He winks before grabbing a plate and running from the kitchen.

“Ugh!”

Lance marches back to his quarters to find his phone. He found it stashed under a bunch of junk since he hadn’t been able to use it since they’d left Earth. He lets it charge just long enough that he’ll be able to pull up the skeleton war album to show Keith. He decides five percent is more than reasonable. He jumps up and runs to the kitchen to get the cookies and milk.

“KEITH! KEITH WHERE ARE YOU BUDDY?” Lance yells when Keith isn’t in the main area where he’d left him about an hour ago. “Oh, I’m going to find you. You’re going to enjoy these damn cookies and learn all about the skeleton war.” Lance mumbles under his breath before trekking to Keith’s quarters.

He bangs loudly on the door incessantly until Keith opens it. Keith looks severely unimpressed until he sees the cookies.

“Hunk made those, right? Not you?”

“Yeah, yeah. They’re safe to eat. Now let me in!”

“Just give me my cookies and go.” Keith growls and tries to take the plate.

“No, no, no! These cookies require payment!”

“You didn’t even make them!”

“Delivery fee.”

Keith groans and covers his face with his hand. “What do you want?”

“I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.”

“If you quote Spice Girls at me again, I’m going to strangle you with your own socks.”

Lance sticks his lips out in a pout. “You’re no fun.”

“Lance! I want my cookies!”

“Fine, fine. I want to educate you about the skeleton war. I charged my phone, so I could show you pictures.”

“That’s it?”

“Yup!” Lance pops the ‘p’.

Keith grumbles before stepping out of the way of the door. “Fine.”

“Much appreciated!” Lance frolics in and sits on the floor with his back resting against Keith’s bed.

Keith gives a big sigh before following him in and sitting a foot apart from him.

“Uh, buddy? You’re going to need to sit a bit closer than that to see.”

“What? I don’t know what a good distance is!”

Lance chuckles at Keith’s lack of socialization and slides over until their shoulders were touching. “This will do.”

Keith glares at him but doesn’t move away. “Can I have my cookies now?”

Lance grabs the plate that he’d set to the opposite of Keith and rests it on both his and Keith’s thighs. Keith quickly grabs a cookie and happily munches on it.

“I can’t believe Hunk can make cookies that taste this good in the middle of fucking deep space.”

“I know, right? He can’t fly without throwing up but can cook like a god.”

“Please don’t mention vomiting while I’m trying to enjoy my cookies.”

“What’s the matter? Weak stomach?”

“Just hurry up and show me these stupid skeletons so I can eat my cookies in piece.”

“Are you ready for this?” Lance winks and pulls his phone from his pocket.

“We’re fighting a war. The only thing you could show me worse than that is naked selfies.” Keith deadpans.

“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m very attractive! I’m a total catch!”

Keith gives a soft chuckle. “Sure, you are.”

Lance scrunches up his nose about to complain more, but Keith’s adorable chuckle stops him. Instead he scrolls through his photo albums until he finds the one titled ‘spoopy month’.

“Spoopy month, really?”

Keith looks up at Lance. His face is too close, and Lance can see the more nuisance colors of Keith’s eyes that he’s never seen before. The only thing he can hear is his rampantly beating traitor of a heart.

“Yes, spoopy month! Just look!”

Lance shoves the phone into Keith’s hands for him to scroll through. He wants to see too, so he leans in to see his tiny phone screen. Keith is slow looking at pictures. He spends almost a whole minute looking at each one. He doesn’t laugh. His eyebrows and the corner of his lips twitch a little bit, but that’s all for physical reaction. The only way Lance knew Keith was enjoying them is because he hadn’t said they’re stupid yet.

Lance had a lot of skeleton war photos. GIF’s too. With Keith taking so long to analyze them all, Lance’s neck was starting to hurt from leaning over, so he decided to take a chance and rest his chin on Keith’s shoulder.

Keith tensed up instantly, shoulders raising and Lance’s head along with them. He doesn’t say anything and continues to calmly scroll through photo’s. Lance’s phone dies before Keith can finish all of them. He gives a sigh before setting the phone down in his lap and resting his head against Lance’s.

“It was just as stupid as I thought it would be.”

“What?” Lance shoots up, disgruntled. “Don’t lie! You looked at them forever! The phone died!”

Lance tries to take his phone back in a huff, but Keith grabs his hand instead and interlaces their fingers.

“It was stupid, but I’m glad you shared it with me. Maybe you’ll actually remember this bonding moment.”

“Nope! Nu-uh! The first one never happened!”

“Whatever you say, Lance.”

“Never happened.” Lance tries to tug his sweaty palm away from Keith. “Are you going to let go of my hand now?”

“Nope.” Keith uses his free hand to grab another cookie.

“That’s pretty gay dude.”

“Yup.”

“Wait. . .” Lance trails off trying to do the math. “You’re gay?” He screeches so loud Keith does release his hand to cover his ears.

“Why are you so loud? It’s not like you didn’t know.”

“How-! Wha-? No! I absolutely did not know!”

“How could you not? Even Allura’s mentioned it.” Keith takes a bite of his cookie and stares off into the corner. “It was worse than when Shiro and Adam gave me the sex talk after I left out a gay porn mag.” He shudders and his eye twitches involuntarily. “Everyone else knows.”

“EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS! Then why haven’t they told me-“ Lance slaps both his hands over his mouth before he can finish that incriminating sentence.

“Why do you need to know?” Keith glares over at lance. “My sexuality doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

“Uh, apparently, it does considering you were just holding my hand.”

Keith’s face starts to burn with crimson. “That’s, uh, normal physical interaction?”

Lance smirks and leans in. “You’ve got a crush on me, don’t you mullet?”

“That’s absurd.” Keith huffs and pushes Lance’s face away.

“That’s too bad.” Lance crosses his arm and side-eyes Keith. “Guess I’ll just have to tell everyone that my crush rejected me.”

“What?”

“What?”

“Lance!” Keith barks, clearly irritated by Lance’s antics and unused to this type of interaction.

“Never thought I’d fall for someone with a mullet, though.” Lance laughs as he stares straight ahead, dead set on not looking at Keith, possibly ever again. It was going to make forming Voltron hard if he had to completely ignore the existence of the black lion.

“No, Keith. I like telling you lies that make me feel like a bigger idiot than everyone already thinks I am.” Lance flatly delivers still staring at the wall.

“You’re not an idiot.” Keith’s voice is soft, and he scoots closer to Lance. “Well, maybe just a little bit of an idiot. We almost died when you lost in that space game show.”

“Hey!” Lance whips around to face Keith. “I said Bi!”

Keith snorts and grabs Lance’s chin. “So easy to predict. This is why you can’t beat me when we spar.”

“No, that’s because you’re stupidly strong because you’re part Galra.” Lance pouts back.

Keith leans in a bit. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Not until you admit that you’re cheating when we spar cause you’re some space alien hybrid!”

“Lance.” Keith narrows his eyes.

Lance smirks before closing the gap, pressing his lips firmly against Keith’s. The kiss is short and anything but steamy, but when the two broke apart, they stared at each other in awe.

“I can’t believe my first kiss was with a cargo pilot.” Keith fake groans before smirking over at Lance.

“Hey! I got promoted to fighter pilot because _somebody_ got kicked out!” Lance screeches. “And give me my cookies back if you’re going to be rude!”

“Nope!” Keith pulls the plate out of reach and jumps up, shoving another in his mouth. “They’re all mine now!”

“Keith!” Lance scrambles up to reobtain his cookies, but Keith runs out of the room cackling. “Keith get back here!”


End file.
